Motivation

Do I really want this?

It's a question I've had to ask myself time and time again, as I make poor choice after poor choice.

Two weeks ago, we ordered delivery from a local pizza-and-more joint. I had chicken alfredo, hubby had spaghetti with meat sauce and meatballs. To my credit, while I wanted dearly to eat my whole order, I got two meals out of my pasta.

Fast-forward to the next day, when hubby wasn't feeling well and bowed out of our TOPS meeting. I'm a terrible liar when I have to think something up on the fly, and the name of the food establishment came flying out of my mouth upon being asked what he'd eaten when I said it was something he ate.

At the end of the meeting, the leader and I were out in the parking lot talking, and she told me she hoped hubby felt better, but also managed to sneak it in there that he needs to figure out if this is something he really wants. I was incredibly put out by the comment - as was hubby when I told him - but rather than being pissed off, I'm really trying to view it from her perspective:

A young(ish, compared to them) married couple weighing a combined 800 pounds (holy shit) joins the group, and of course since we're soooo fat, we're expected to ut up these great numbers for at least a few months. But no. After large gains and semi-decent losses, we're no better off than when we started. But there they sit, blaming it on PMS (me), being on and off diuretics (me), but most of all - the scale (both of us, but he's much more skeptical - and vocal - about it).

I can see how she'd come to the conclusion that one or both of us must just not want it badly enough. Truth be told, that scale is strange. They calibrated it and it came out fine, but it's that damn clamp they have to put on it, coupled with the fact that my stomach hits the upright part of it, to the point that it moves when I breathe, which throws the beam off, which leads to a result that we can't trust.

But of course it was fine before they (we) got there.

Part of the TOPS Never Quit pledge is "I promise... to stop making excuses, and to stop blaming other people or situations."

But isn't that what we've been doing all this time, no matter how legitimate?

So, I can understand her perspective. But that understanding doesn't soften the shame of knowing that's how she - and likely some others - feel about us. Not to mention the fact that while I politely smile and nod when they talk about whatever "New!" "Better!" "Easy!" ways to lose weight touted in various magazines, I'm sure they really don't appreciate hubby's out-and-out disdain, which I'm guessing - along with the food - is probably part of why she thinks hubby might not really want it. He doesn't believe everything he reads on a splashy magazine cover. Sue 'im!

Back to the do I really want this question and poor food choices...

When I started this, I also started up a page on SparkPeople (you can find me under giantfatlady there, too). There's a great food journal there, but I stopped keeping it because I was embarrassed about what I was eating. How ironic that I chose today to get back on the journaling wagon, then almost immediately went out and ate almost 2,000 calories at dinner alone.

And of course, I didn't get my fat ass to the gym tonight. Granted I didn't have any clean gym clothes, but that doesn't mean I couldn't have washed some when I got home from work instead of sitting on the computer for two hours before my calorie-fest.

It's a long road, and nobody said it would be easy. But I can see why someone might think I just don't want it badly enough.

*sigh*

I'm not "officially" reporting yesterday's TOPS meeting, because the new scale hasn't arrived yet. I'll say, however, that according to the scale that's still there, I was down 3 pounds. Small comfort from having been up 9 last time we went (two weeks ago). I'm really excited for the scale to arrive - at least it won't need any special modification in order to weigh me, as long as I stay under 400, that is. I've got a week to get there, but the amount of weight I need to lose to get there varies, depending on who and what is doing the weighing. The scale at the gym said 406.5 on Thursday, the scale at TOPS said 401.5 yesterday.

Either way, far too much.

Peekaboo!

Let's face it - everyone, fat or thin, is unhappy with something when it comes to their body. For us GFLs, it's often many somethings. So I firmly believe that everyone should come up with at least one thing they like about their bodies and hold on to that for the days when we seem to cling to self-loathing.

Here's mine:


I think my eyes are pretty neat. I like how they start on brown on the inside, then go to light brown, then light olive, then the darker olive on the outside. I think it looks really cool.

How about you? What's your thing?

TOPS report 7/14

Starting weight: 394
Highest weight: 404.5
Last week: 395.5
This week: 404.5
Net total: +10.5

That's IT!!! This week was my turn to have the scale be a bitch. 9 pounds up, which I highly doubt. Unless they're doing something incredibly out of the ordinary, people just do NOT gain 9 pounds in a week. And I did nothing out of the ordinary this week. I am SO GLAD they've agreed to get a new scale, because the one they have now is just not cutting it for those of us over 300 pounds.

I printed out a bunch of info on digital medical scales, only to find out that the leader and weight recorder had been chatting and decided to order a different scale. It's a lot cheaper than most of what I found (probably because I'd been researching medical scales), so hopefully it'll work.

And now I'll kill myself this week to make sure I'm under 400 by next Monday so it will actually weigh me. Gym, here I come!

And since we'll have a new scale next week, I'll be starting over with the weights/weeks. This is ridiculous.

TOPS report 7/7

Starting weight: 394
Highest weight: 403.5
Last week: 399
This week: 395.5
Net total: +1.5

Down another 3.5 pounds this week. I'm still skeptical of the accuracy of the scale though. After the weight recorder had a hell of a time weighing my husband, we (as a group) started discussing getting a new scale, and thoughts turned to digital. Since hubby and I are the big internet junkies of the group, we're in charge of researching and pricing. I think many of the ladies in the group will shit their pants when they find out exactly how expensive it is to buy a decent quality one that will weigh us.

In the absence of this week's TOPS report...

We didn't make it to TOPS this week. I'd like to say we had a good reason, but it's because we chickened out. Neither of us felt very well last week, so there weren't many healthy groceries in the house. Couple that with a huge dinner out with a friend on Thursday night and no exercise whatsoever, and we totally chickened out.

But we'll pick ourselves back up and soldier on.

In the meantime, here's a little A to Z of me:

A-Attached or Single? Most assuredly attached.

B-Best Friend? The person to whom I'm attached. ;)

C-Cake or Pie? Cake, please! Though I much prefer the question "cake or death?"

D-Day of Choice? Sunday. It partially sucks because it's the end of the weekend, but it's the only day that the person to whom I'm attached and I both have the day off.

E-Essential Items? Love. Snuggling. My cats. Food's nice, too.

F-Favorite Color? Greens, blues and purples.

G-Gummy Bears or Worms? Both.

H-Hometown? Long Island.

I-Indulgence? Food. Hence, the reason I am both Giant and Fat.

J-January or July? They both suck. January's way too frickin' cold, and July's way too frickin' hot. Plus, my Grandma died in July, so it sucks doubly.

K-Kids? Eventually, when I'm not so Giant and Fat.

L-Life isn’t complete without… Love

M-Marriage Date? August 31, 2002

N-Number of Siblings? One sister.

O-Oranges or Apples? Yes. You really can't compare the two.

P-Phobias or Fears? Fire, tornadoes, losing the people I love. I feared that last one more before it actually happened to me. I'm not quite as afraid of it now, considering the fact that I seem to have made it through relatively unscathed, but it still sucked hairy goat balls.

Q-Quote? "it takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." ~ e e cummings

R-Reason to Smile? My husband and cats. They love me and make me smile every day.

S-Superman or Wonder Woman? Eh, whichever.

T-Tag 5 people. Nah, homey don't play dat.

U- Umbrella or poncho? Either.

V-Vegetables? Yes, please!

W-Worst Habit? Eating too much, eating unhealthfully. Again, Giant and Fat.

X-Ray or Ultrasound? I could take or leave the former, and I've never had the latter.

Y-Your Favorite Food? That's a hard beast to nail down. Right now, I've got a wicked craving for stuffed shells.

Z-Zodiac Sign? Libra.