Motivation

Do I really want this?

It's a question I've had to ask myself time and time again, as I make poor choice after poor choice.

Two weeks ago, we ordered delivery from a local pizza-and-more joint. I had chicken alfredo, hubby had spaghetti with meat sauce and meatballs. To my credit, while I wanted dearly to eat my whole order, I got two meals out of my pasta.

Fast-forward to the next day, when hubby wasn't feeling well and bowed out of our TOPS meeting. I'm a terrible liar when I have to think something up on the fly, and the name of the food establishment came flying out of my mouth upon being asked what he'd eaten when I said it was something he ate.

At the end of the meeting, the leader and I were out in the parking lot talking, and she told me she hoped hubby felt better, but also managed to sneak it in there that he needs to figure out if this is something he really wants. I was incredibly put out by the comment - as was hubby when I told him - but rather than being pissed off, I'm really trying to view it from her perspective:

A young(ish, compared to them) married couple weighing a combined 800 pounds (holy shit) joins the group, and of course since we're soooo fat, we're expected to ut up these great numbers for at least a few months. But no. After large gains and semi-decent losses, we're no better off than when we started. But there they sit, blaming it on PMS (me), being on and off diuretics (me), but most of all - the scale (both of us, but he's much more skeptical - and vocal - about it).

I can see how she'd come to the conclusion that one or both of us must just not want it badly enough. Truth be told, that scale is strange. They calibrated it and it came out fine, but it's that damn clamp they have to put on it, coupled with the fact that my stomach hits the upright part of it, to the point that it moves when I breathe, which throws the beam off, which leads to a result that we can't trust.

But of course it was fine before they (we) got there.

Part of the TOPS Never Quit pledge is "I promise... to stop making excuses, and to stop blaming other people or situations."

But isn't that what we've been doing all this time, no matter how legitimate?

So, I can understand her perspective. But that understanding doesn't soften the shame of knowing that's how she - and likely some others - feel about us. Not to mention the fact that while I politely smile and nod when they talk about whatever "New!" "Better!" "Easy!" ways to lose weight touted in various magazines, I'm sure they really don't appreciate hubby's out-and-out disdain, which I'm guessing - along with the food - is probably part of why she thinks hubby might not really want it. He doesn't believe everything he reads on a splashy magazine cover. Sue 'im!

Back to the do I really want this question and poor food choices...

When I started this, I also started up a page on SparkPeople (you can find me under giantfatlady there, too). There's a great food journal there, but I stopped keeping it because I was embarrassed about what I was eating. How ironic that I chose today to get back on the journaling wagon, then almost immediately went out and ate almost 2,000 calories at dinner alone.

And of course, I didn't get my fat ass to the gym tonight. Granted I didn't have any clean gym clothes, but that doesn't mean I couldn't have washed some when I got home from work instead of sitting on the computer for two hours before my calorie-fest.

It's a long road, and nobody said it would be easy. But I can see why someone might think I just don't want it badly enough.